A Cannibalistic Shell Of A Man...

Video Nasty #13

Anthropophagus The Beast

1980

IT'S NOT FEAR THAT TEARS YOU APART...IT'S HIM!

WATCH IT, IF YOU DARE!

NTSC Running Time: 90:54

Actual Italian title: Antropophagus.

Also known as The Grim Reaper.

Directed by Aristide Massaccesi (as Joe D'Amato)

Written by Joe D'Amato and Luigi Montefiore (as George Eastman)

Produced by Joe D'Amato, George Eastman, Edward L. Montoro and Oscar Santaniello

Starring: Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, Serena Grandi (as Vanessa Steiger), Margaret Mazzantini (as Margaret Donnelly), Mark Bodin, Bob Larsen with George Eastman and Zora Kerova

Body Count: 12

Availability: Uncut version on Region 1 2-Disc DVD from Shriek Show

BBFC Status

Why it's a Nasty: Cannibalism!

What was cut: Nothing...sort of.

Current UK Status: Antropophagus was submitted to the BBFC in its' American R-rated cut, under the title The Grim Reaper, which was passed uncut and awarded an 18 certificate on January 30, 2002.  This version shears the extreme violence, and some early plot exposition as well.

Availability: Cut version on Region 2 DVD from Hollywood DVD as The Grim Reaper.

Anthropophagus The Beast was successfully prosecuted under the Obscene Publications Act, making it one of the DPP39.

For anyone wondering about the odd title (which I had lots of fun saying when first learning how to pronounce it) and what it might mean, I refer you to the Science & Nature category question from this Trivial Pursuit Genus Edition card:

And the answer, of course is:

There you have it, Antropophagus means CANNIBAL!

The opening credits play over a happy German couple traversing through a small, bustling village with their little dog.  They reach the beach.  The girl goes for a swim, while her beau relaxes on the beach with some oversized headphones blasting awful music.  Investigating an abandoned dinghy, the girl discovers it to be covered in bloodstains.  Just as she screams, she is dragged under and becomes nothing but a cloud of murky red, Jaws-style.  We are now treated to a POV shot of something advancing on the boyfriend, his girl's blood dripping onto the sand.  The dog hightails it, the boy gets a hatchet to the head.

In true exploitation style, this gritty shock opening has little to nothing to do with the rest of the film.  I love that.

On a cable car high above (a forest?  a canyon?) we meet Carol (Zora Kerova), her pseudo-boyfriend Daniel (Mark Bodin), Arnold (Bob Larsen), and his pregnant (wife?  girlfriend?) Maggie (a young Serena Grandi).  Their talk of an island-hopping vacation catches the attention of Julie (Tisa Farrow, in her final screen appearance [She's not dead, she left acting to become a nurse]), who asks to hitch a ride to her destination, a small island that is never named.  They arrive in Athens (sharp-eyed viewers will notice Joe D'Amato himself as the bearded man who exits the cable car behind the main cast) and meet up with Alan (Saverio Vallone), who takes them to the charter boat and off they go.  Daniel is smitten with Julie, much to Carol's chagrin, while Julie is much more interested in Alan.  To pass the time, Carol tries reading Maggie's fortune with Tarot cards...but sees no future, which disturbs her to the point that she tosses the cards into the Mediterranean.  Upon their arrival at Julie's island, Maggie twists her ankle and stays on the boat with the skipper (an uncredited actor).  The rest explore the island, the one the German couple was enjoying in the prologue, only now there doesn't seem to be a soul around...then Maggie and the skipper go missing and the boat drifts out to sea...

So begins the descent into madness and death as our heroes struggle to solve the mystery of the deserted village, find a way off the island, and survive whatever has befallen this idyllic place...

It is impossible to discuss why Antropophagus is not just a cult favorite but one of the most notorious and reviled of the Video Nasties without dropping some spoilers.  You have been warned.

The island has been set upon by a creature that was once a man, but has become a monster (George Eastman).  A vicious, silent cannibal, the Anthropophagus Beast is an imposing figure whose presence pervades the picture despite his small (ten minutes, if that) amount of screen time.  To my mind, this equates him with Anthony Hopkins' performance as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence Of The Lambs: not in the film much, but felt in every frame.

There are two sequences that have guaranteed the films' infamy.  They are both brief and occur in the final reel.  The first is the consumption of a fetus torn from its' mother's womb (while the gullible were convinced the effect was not an effect at all, but done for real, the reality is that Eastman was chowing down on a skinned rabbit purchased at an Italian butcher shop).  The second is the film's final scene: The Beast is stabbed in the gut with a pickaxe...and he proceeds to feast upon his own entrails before collapsing.  Though both sequences are brief, there is no buildup to them and the nonchalance with which they are handled only add to how effective they are.

And there are familiar faces here: Eastman was a D'Amato regular who appeared in Erotic Nights Of The Living Dead (which I mentioned in a previous piece) and he appears as the heavy in D'Amato's other entry on the Nasty list, Absurd, a companion piece to Antropophagus that some call a sequel (because it was made afterwards), some a prequel (D'Amato's opinion).  Tisa Farrow (yes, she is Mia's little sister) stars in another Nasty, Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2, known as Zombie Flesh Eaters in the UK.  Zora Kerova also worked with Fulci on his brutal 1982 giallo The New York Ripper, a film so filled with sexuality and violence that it will probably never see an uncut release in the UK.  It took 20 years to earn a BBFC certificate, debuting on DVD in 2002.  [As it is a favorite of mine and was rejected by the BBFC at the height of the Nasty hysteria, we will be covering The New York Ripper in a later column.]

While it was a box-office failure, Antropophagus has become a touchstone for lovers of golden-age Italian horror.  It is long on atmosphere and short on plot.  The violence explodes in quick, untelegraphed bursts.  The music is at times annoying, but unique.  The cinematography is exceptional (D'Amato made his name as a cameraman long before becoming a director).  Unusually for a D'Amato film, there is no sex or nudity, an oddity for a man whose career was mostly spent making pornography.

In the documentary Totally Uncut 2: The Horror Experience, D'Amato relates how, while filming in real Roman catacombs for the fetus eating sequence, the crew rented fake bones to augment the real bones.  When shooting ended for the day, the crew packed up EVERYTHING.  The rental house was horrified, and returned the real bones to D'Amato, who apparently still had them at the time of his death.  His quote: "Maybe someday someone will want to make a pilgrimage to my house!"

I sure do, boss, but not for the bones.  Just because you were cool.

Aristide Massaccesi: December 15, 1936 - January 23, 1999.  Rest in peace.  You are still admired and sorely missed.

I heartily recommend Antropophagus to anyone who wants to understand why Italian horror is so special.  You may not like it, but you won't regret seeing it.  We'll be covering Absurd in a little while.  Until then, stay away from deserted Greek islands.  I will do the same.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Technical Difficulties...Please Stand By...

Well, I posted my writeup of Anthropophagus The Beast yesterday, but due to circumstances beyond our control, it has disappeared and I have to write it again.  For anyone who got to read it, I hope you enjoyed it.  For everyone else, a new and (hopefully) improved article will appear shortly.  Thanks for your patience and understanding.  Now, I'm off to have some lunch and a good cry.  I might need some coffee, too, so I'll make some of that.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Island Hopping With Joe & George.

Good evening.  A quick note/bulletin:


I am currently doing research and chasing leads on confirming Aristide Massaccesi's involvement with Pieces.  Someone somewhere has to have this information, and I will be dogged in my efforts to uncover the trivial truth...and you, of course, will know as soon as I do.  Consider it an incredibly geeky public service.

In a somewhat frustrating development, it has come to my attention that the print of Don't Go Near The Park that I viewed for these articles was incomplete by around six minutes!  It is at this point that I completely withdraw my implied endorsement for the Region 1 DVD released by Dark Sky Films.  While I do still find much to praise about their release of There Was A Little Girl (see Madhouse, Video Nasty #4), they chose to remove footage from the feature due to print damage, which I find an unacceptable practice.  I am attempting to track down a ThrillerVideo VHS release from the 1980s under the title Nightstalker (apparently not a reference to Richard Ramirez).  As above, you will be the first to know upon the event of my success.

In other Joe D'Amato news, this morning I screened Anthropophagus The Beast.  Complete details within the next 48 hours.

But for now, I'm going to play Yahtzee with my wife, the M-Azing N. Credible.  Because I love her.  That's why I married her.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Werewolf Waldemar Wanders Into A Warzone!!!

Video Nasty #12

The Werewolf And The Yeti

1975

TWO BLOODTHIRSTY BEASTS IN DEADLY COMBAT.



HIS LUST FOR BLOOD CANNOT BE SATISFIED...

Original Spanish Title: La Maldicion De La Bestia.  Other alternate titles: Hall Of The Mountain King, Night Of The Howling Beast
PAL Running Time: 81:58
Directed by Miguel Iglesias (as M.I. Bonns)
Written by Jacinto Molina
Produced by Jose Antonio Perez Giner and Modesto Perez Redondo
Starring: Paul Naschy, Mercedes Molina, Silvia Solar, Gil Vidal
Body Count: 26!
Availability: Out of print NTSC VHS from Independent-International Pictures as Night Of The Howling Beast

BBFC Status

Why it's a Nasty: Women tied up and tortured, Cannibalism, and Gore murders

What was cut: Nothing.  It was banned.

Current BBFC Status: As it has never been submitted for classification, The Werewolf And The Yeti remains banned in the UK.  Original Video Nasty cassette released by Video Programme Distributors Limited

The Werewolf And The Yeti was successfully prosecuted under the Obscene Publications Act, making it one of the DPP39.

This one's so rare and out of print that I couldn't even find a trailer.  Enjoy the opening titles...and Paul Naschy's fuzzy wolfman makeup.

A few things one should keep in mind: La Maldicion De La Bestia was made before both American Werewolf In London and Raiders Of The Lost Ark.  In 1975, Rick Baker had not yet revolutionized cinematic lycanthropy, and no one had heard of Indiana Jones.  In 1975, when Spanish audiences wanted adventure and excitement, they turned to Paul Naschy and his recurring werewolf character, Waldemar Daninsky.

The eighth Hombre Lobo film begins in the Himalayas.  Two hikers are attacked and killed by something hairy.  Cut to London, where Waldemar (Naschy) meets with a professor about to lead an expedition to find the Yeti.  He has photographs that show the Yeti not as an Abominable Snowman, but just another hairy apething.  The professor has a daughter, Sylvia (Mercedes Molina billed as Grace Mills), who falls for Waldemar (since Naschy wrote this thing, nearly all the female characters fall for him somehow) and soon they are off to see Nepal.  Waldemar finds a guide who will take them through a secret, dangerous pass that the Sherpas don't want anything to do with.  The fact that he found the guide raving and spitting in an opium den should have tipped him off that all might not go well.  Sure enough, the guide ditches Waldemar at the first sign of trouble, so our intrepid hero finds his way to a cave where there just happen to be two scantily clad babes to collapse in front of.  Their plans for Waldemar seem to be along the line of revive him then rape him, but he's up before they expected and he catches them eating human flesh and worshipping the skeleton of a monster.  So, like any rational person, he kills them...but not before one of them bites him with her vampire fangs...which turns him into a werewolf.

Wags might insert a snide comment here about how witches-slash-vampires don't turn men into werewolves when they bite.  I'm more impressed that all of that above was crammed into the first 20 minutes of the movie.  Diametrically the opposite of Unhinged (see Video Nasty #11), La Maldicion De La Bestia moves so fast that you have trouble catching up to all of the action.

Because this isn't a horror film.  Despite the werewolves, vampires, witches and that elusive yeti (who appears only at the beginning and end), this is an action-adventure film that has lots of blood and violence.  What clinched its' status as a Nasty are the cannibalism scene near the beginning, and the torture scene near the end where women are tied up and have the skin flayed from their backs.  Good times, good times.

Back to something I said above that may have either slipped past or stuck out like a sore thumb: Yes, this is the eighth film in a series featuring the character Waldemar Daninsky...but there's no continuity between any of them, just that Paul Naschy plays the character and he keeps becoming a werewolf for various reasons.  I've only seen this one, so I can't speak for the others, but I'm betting the formula is much the same between all of them: chicks in revealing outfits, monsters fighting each other, cliffhanger after cliffhanger until all is resolved in the final reel.  Naschy himself is a pretty smooth customer: he looks like the burly love-child of Dick Miller and Joaquin Phoenix, and he fights like...like Paul Naschy.  The dude's an original.  Born Jacinto Molina Alvarez in 1934, he wrote over forty films, directed over ten, and acted in at least one hundred, until pancreatic cancer took him from us in 2009.

In all, there were twelve Waldemar Daninsky films, although only eleven survive (Las Noches Del Hombre Lobo, one of the earliest Hombre Lobo pictures, has a fate that is still unknown.  The director was killed in a car crash in 1968, with the film possibly unfinished.  No known print has survived, with Naschy himself unable to locate a copy.), the first in the late 60s, the last, Tomb Of The Werewolf, released direct to video in 2004.  Quite a body of work.

If you choose to venture into La Maldicion De La Bestia, remember what I've told you: the makeup is old-school.  The adventures fast and furious, with little exposition and lots of gore.  And please ignore the British title.  Night Of The Howling Beast or Hall Of The Mountain King are definitely better titles - the werewolf and the yeti meet only briefly.

So stay the hell out of mountain caves with weird women.  Sure, they might want to have sex with you, but then they'll eat you or turn you into a monster, and that's just not worth it.  Heed my warning.  I sure will.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

There's A Man In The House...

Video Nasty #11

Unhinged

1982

VIOLENCE BEYOND REASON, VICTIMS BEYOND HELP...

THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS WHEN YOU WAKE UP.

NTSC Running Time: 79:38

Directed & Produced by Don Gronquist

Written by Don Gronquist & Reagan Ramsey

Starring: Laurel Munson, J.E. Penner, Sara Ansley, Virginia Settle

Body Count: 4

Availability: On Region 1 DVD from Indie DVD (2002) and Brentwood Home Video (2005) ... currently also available two inches up from where your eyes are now!

BBFC Status

Why it's a Nasty: Because of the lurid cover art.  Seriously.

What was cut: Not a frame.

Current BBFC Status: Unhinged was granted an 18 certificate for cinema release on May 4, 1983.  A video certificate of 18 was awarded on June 11, 2004.

Availability: Region 2 DVD from Platinum Media Corp.

Unhinged was seized, but escaped prosecution.

 

Have you watched the video up there yet?  Noticed that it's not a trailer?  Yep, that's the entire film posted up there.  You're welcome.  Enjoy.  It's okay, I'll wait.

Actually, I'm not going to assume that you've watched the film.  While having the entire film at the top of the page would give some justification for doing so, I will not give away any spoilers in the text.  It's rude to do so (still looking at you, Jim Harper) and having to write around the film's secrets provides a fun challenge and gives me a slight amount more class than someone who will just throw down with the ending.

You see, Unhinged has an incredible, intense ending.  It's just too bad that the first 68 minutes don't match the last 11.

Three Oregon girls head for a big jazz festival on a stormy weekend.  The get into a wreck and wake up in a creepy old manor house.  Terry (Laurel Munson) and Nancy (Sara Ansley) are basically okay, their friend Gloria (Barbara Lusch) is worse off and we don't see her much.  Occupying the mansion are Mrs. Penrose (Virginia Settle) and her daughter/servant Marion (J.E. Penner, the J is for Janet).  They're isolated and far from any roads.  Mrs. Penrose hates men with a psychotic fervor and constantly accuses Marion of having men in the house.  It isn't long before Terry and Nancy flip a coin to see who has to hoof it through the woods to town to call their parents...but then the loser doesn't come back...

Shot entirely in the Portland, Oregon area (prominently using Pittock Mansion, a historic landmark owned by the city of Portland) with local cast and crew, Unhinged is well done in several respects and awful in others.  I very much enjoyed the editing, which may include the largest number of smash cuts to black screens than any other movie I've ever seen.  The camerawork is good, though sometimes underlit, which is common for movies like this when the lighting budget is only slightly more than bus fare.  The more experienced cast members (Settle, Penner and John Morrison as handyman Norman Barnes) did a wonderful job, but the three younger girls seem to have been chosen based on their willingness to do shower scenes (there are two), rather than any acting ability.  Indeed, Munson and Ansley have no other screen credits.  Penner, the most talented member of the cast, is still working, I'm happy to see, most recently on the television show Leverage (interestingly, her first film was Unhinged and the second, a TV movie called The Haunting Of Sarah Hardy, also used Pittock Mansion as a location).

In the world of exploitation horror, Unhinged is a bit of a red-headed stepchild: The film is long on atmosphere and short on shock.  The first kill happens halfway through the picture and the remainder of the violence is saved for the final 11 minutes.  The rest is exposition, with one pretty good scare to liven it up.  This is a classic example of distributors hyping a modest horror effort into a bloodbath of debauchery, promising things that the picture cannot deliver...but all is not lost.  As I said above, the climax is incredible, a riveting end to a movie that is at times boring.  If the intensity and ominous feeling of doom given by the final scene had been matched by the rest of the picture, Unhinged would be a minor classic.  Alas, it was not to be...but it's enough, because thanks to the moral watchdogs of unregulated UK videotapes, Unhinged is now immortal, and it's a damn good thing, because it deserves to be seen, no matter the shortcomings. 

Besides, after catching Elvira hosting a showing of Teenagers From Outer Space late last night, it's easy to see that even the smallest of films can find their true audience.  And as someone who had seen it before and been underwhelmed the first time (much like Death Trap, see Video Nasty #9), I'm happy to say that I am definitely a fan of Unhinged, and if you take the time to watch it on its' own terms, maybe you will be, too.  I hope so.  That's why I write this thing, in the hopes that others will find their own favorites in the detritus most sweep under the rug.  Because that's where I've found so many jewels.  And always check the shed.  It might not contain what they've told you it does.  Best to make sure.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Two Months Bender.

Hey!  How have you been?

I'm back!

Not that I went anywhere.  In the time since I've last posted, my Nasties collection has grown to 27, and there's been some changes around here.

The biggest of those changes, however, occurred before my hiatus, about two weeks before Don't Go Near The Park.  Check it out:

That's Isabella.  Photo by the lovely (and prize-winning) N. Credible.  The glared-out case to Izzy's right is The Evil Dead, on glorious widescreen VHS.  And if you're counting, you may notice there's only 26.  The Driller Killer arrived the next day.  And you may notice a new prize: Romano Scavolini's Nightmare (aka Nightmares In A Damaged Brain) in an uncut bigbox.

Oh, yeah.  Not pictured: Izzy's favorite movie.  What is it?  Why, Pieces, of course.

Unhinged is up next.  I mean real next, like in 30 seconds, so stay glued to this channel.  You wouldn't want to miss it.  And if you've got any questions, I'm always here, ready to help.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Splatter Giallo...Hecho En Espana!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO TEXAS FOR A CHAINSAW MASSACRE!

Pieces

1982



IT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IT IS!

Two nights ago, I finally experienced a film that I should have seen a long time ago: Juan Piquer Simon's Mil Gritos Tiene la Noche, better known as Pieces.  Co-written by producer Dick Randall and John Shadow (which may or may not be yet another alias for Aristide Massaccesi, more later on), Pieces is a magnum opus of exploitation that the trailer above only hints at.

In 1942 Boston, a boy is chastised by his mother for doing a jigsaw puzzle of a naked woman.  She sends him from the room to fetch a sack in which to dispose of the offending pastime.  He instead returns with a large axe and proceeds to do away with her.  He is busy cutting her up with a handsaw when the police arrive, drawn by a neighbour who heard the mother's death throes.  They find the boy whimpering in a closet, babbling about the large man who broke in and they escort him from the house.

Forty years later, the man the boy has grown into begins once again to build the nudie puzzle...and complement it with a puzzle of his own: The pieces of numerous co-eds, gained through chainsaw dismemberment.  The cops are called in to solve the case...and away we go.

What follows is a crass piece of gratuitous nudity and gore that is balletic in its' prurient brilliance.  The black-gloved, trenchcoated killer stalks the campus, miraculously invisible in all his movements, carving up half-undressed girls in dark corners (and broad daylight!) with a bright yellow chainsaw that he even manages to sneak into an elevator with an unsuspecting victim.

Pieces is exploitation heaven.  Blood flows copiously, breasts and a penis are proudly displayed and not one frame tries to be anything other than gratuitous.  That is the film's purpose: lowbrow entertainment elevated to something more simply because how true to its' intention Pieces is.  Christopher George chows down on a cigar in every frame.  His real-life wife, Lynda Day, is the tennis pro/cop who goes undercover to catch the madman.  Ian Sera plays the cocky college student that George enlists to help with the case, against the wishes of his partner (played by Frank Brana).

Although often classified as a slasher film, Pieces is more readily identifiable as a giallo.

Slasher films are often noted for their simple plotlines, masked killers, and use of the character commonly known as the Final Girl.  The usual characteristics of the Final Girl are her "virginal" nature (she rarely has a nude scene, has sex or partake in drugs or alcohol), her screen time occupies the bulk of the picture, and she is personally responsible for dispatching (or almost dispatching) the killer in the final reel.  Friday The 13th, Halloween, Scream, et. al. are responsible for contributing to the definitions of a slasher film.

As discussed in an earlier column, the giallo has its' origins in Italy, features a black-gloved killer whose identity is most often obscured by keeping identifying characteristics off-camera, elaborate and gory murder sequences involving shiny cutting instruments, off-kilter logic, and a distinctly European presentation of sex and nudity.  Great examples are Profondo Rosso and Lo Squartatore di New York, along with our two giallo Nasties, Tenebre and Blood Bath.

In Pieces, most of the screen time is given to the setpieces: the killer stalking, a topless girl either fleeing or ignorant of what is coming up behind her...and deep crimson liquid flying in all directions when the two collide, a sure sign that we are in giallo territory.  There is no Final Girl.  While Lynda Day's character is a definite candidate, she doesn't appear for the first time until halfway through the picture.  The character who comes up being the focus isn't Christopher George's cop, either.  It's Ian Sera's portrayal of ladies man Kendall that comes closest to the role of Final Girl, and his carousing with numerous females (including displaying his penis for the audience in one scene) negates his being Final Girl material.  Finally, (SPOILER ALERT) neither Day nor Sera is the killer's dispatcher.

Slasher film scholars (I'm looking at you, Jim Harper) take note: Mil Gritos Tiene la Noche is a prime example of giallo, made more impressive due to its' being hecho en Espana.

Now here's the thing that's been driving me bonkers: Authorship of the treatment that director Juan Piquer Simon turned into the screenplay.  Writing credits are given for producer Dick Randall and one "John Shadow".  Numerous sources report that John Shadow is one of the many aliases used by Aristide Massaccesi, best known as Joe D'Amato, director of two Nasties and one of the legends of Eurosleaze filmmaking.  What complicates things is the existence of a John W. Shadow, writer/director of Microscopic Liquid Subway To Oblivion.  This John W. Shadow was married to one-time Miss Teen Sweden Ewa Aulin, star of Microscopic Liquid Subway, from 1968 to 1972.  In 1973, Ms. Aulin starred in La Morte Ha Sorriso All'Assassino, aka Death Smiles On A Murderer, directed by Aristide Massaccesi, the only film Joe D'Amato ever signed with his real name.  I have never heard of D'Amato being married at any point in his too-brief life.  The relationship between Shadow and D'Amato is too close (due to the linkage of Ms. Aulin) for one to make a definitive call on authorship without ironclad evidence from someone involved in the production.  The Pieces DVD (an amazing 2-disc set from Grindhouse Releasing) contains an interview with Juan Piquer Simon where the director is said to confirm D'Amato's involvement...except I watched that 55-minute interview twice and never heard his name mentioned.  Simon states that he was given a 15-page treatment that he turned into a screenplay.  He does not state who wrote the treatment and claims sole credit for the shooting script.  SO, until I find some information stating conclusively that D'Amato was involved (which I hope to find - as a fan of the man I'd love to be able to include this in his filmography) the debate will rage on.

I LOVED this movie and I give it a hearty recommendation to you.  Now I need to figure out which Nasty is next.  I just got a copy of Delirium in the mail, so the list of hard-to-find Nasties just got a little shorter.  I'll be back with you soon.  Just don't get on an elevator with anyone who keeps their hands behind their back.  They may be holding a chainsaw.  I'll heed that advice.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

The Lay Of The Land (Of The Dead)...Part 2!

At the beginning of this endeavour, I presented a list of the rarer, harder-to-find titles that I knew would present a problem in acquisition.  I am pleased to say that this list is now much shorter.  My personal collection of Nasties has grown to include twenty-one films, nearly a third of the list.  But there remain nineteen titles that are either:

A) Unavailable for rental.
B) Out of print and rare.
and in at least one case
C) Never released uncut in the United States.

And there are whispers.  Whispers of a film intended for the list that fell through the DPP's fingers because of the thing that plagued low-budget exploitation from its' humble beginnings: alternate titles.  I'll get back to this in a minute.

Here are the nineteen films that have thus far eluded me.  Some are quite easy to obtain.  Why don't I list those first:

Blood Rites aka The Ghastly Ones
Love Camp 7
and Night Of The Bloody Apes are on DVD from Something Weird video and are still in print.
The Driller Killer is available on DVD from several companies, because the film lies in the public domain.
Forest Of Fear, aka Bloodeaters is on DVD from Televista (as Toxic Zombies) and it isn't too tough to track down.
Island Of Death is on DVD from Image and, while I believe it is now out of print, it isn't too hard to find, although (like Love Camp 7) the price is inexplicably higher than other similar films.
Pranks aka The Dorm The Dripped Blood is also available on DVD from Jef Films and not too hard to locate.
SS Experiment Camp is available on DVD from Shriek Show (as SS Experiment Love Camp).
The Witch Who Came From The Sea is on DVD from Subversive Cinema and again, is relatively easy to track down.

These nine films are cake.  Relatively low pricetags, copies in abundance.  I'm not worried about locating these.  (Although having written that, at least one of them will almost assuredly elude me.)

Then there are the out-of-print, VHS-if-you're-lucky films.  Most of these forgotten relics haven't received a DVD release and may never.  If I can track these down, I'll feel like I've won something:

Delirium aka Psycho Puppet.  Out of print, VHS only, Paragon Video.
Human Experiments.  Out of print, VHS only, VidAmerica.
Night Of The Demon.  Out of print, DVD and VHS, Miracle Pictures.
Nightmare Maker aka Night Warning.  Out of print, VHS only, Thorn/EMI/HBO Video.
Nightmares In A Damaged Brain aka Nightmare aka Blood Splash.  Out of print, VHS only, Continental Video (as Nightmare).  (Code Red is working on releasing an uncut DVD, but so far it has not appeared.)
Possession.  Out of print, DVD and VHS, Anchor Bay.
The Slayer.  Out of print, VHS only, Marquis Video.  (The double-feature cassette that pairs The Slayer with Scalps is edited to make both films fit.  The Marquis release is the whole film and it is extremely rare.)
Terror Eyes aka Night School.  Out of print, VHS only, Warner/Key Video.

These eight are diamonds buried in coal, and it may take some work to bring them home.  One more and we're all caught up with Nasties:

Expose`.  Released in the US as The House On Straw Hill in an edited version, the only homegrown British Nasty is tough to track down.  Televista is said to have released a Region 1 DVD, but it has never materialized.  As far as I know, the ONLY uncut release is the original VHS Nasty released by Intervision in the UK in 1979.  My goal: Track down that tape, get it transferred to NTSC, Enjoy.

Expose` is the Holy Grail of Video Nasties.  So that's eighteen and that completes the list.  Every other title is available for rental or already in my personal collection.  So what is the nineteenth film?  This is where the rumors and confusion, the whispers of the ether, the film geek's paranoia comes into play.

It all begins in the 1970s.  Made in 1973, a low-budget pseudo-snuff film titled The Last House On Dead End Street hit grindhouse theatres four year later.  The credits were packed with pseudonyms, the origins of the film questionable.  No one seemed to know who had made the film and whether or not the deaths it depicted were real or staged.  Legend has it that the original running time was three hours...and that this long cut, titled The Cuckoo Clocks Of Hell, is still housed in a New York film lab waiting to be paid for.  Its other alternate title: The Fun House, incredibly close to the 1981 Tobe Hooper film The Funhouse, which was seized but not successfully prosecuted.

So this is the rumor: The Last House On Dead End Street was intended to be on the Nasties list but was confused with The Funhouse and escaped being targeted.  I have no substantial evidence to back this up (that's what makes it a rumor, derp), but the idea is certainly attractive.  Dead End (shortening it to Last House would cause too much confusion with the Craven/Cunningham classic that did indeed make the list) would fit nicely on the list: a low-budget American horror film trading on shock value and pseudo-snuff promotion techniques that was controversial in its' own right.  Whether or not the rumor is true, this is a film I must get my hands on.  There were at least four VHS releases (some censored, some not), but the definitive version is the out of print Barrel Entertainment 2-Disc DVD set released in 2002.  As expected, this is a pricey item, but I am so intrigued I will probably end up shelling out when I finally get some folding money.

So there you have it: The 19 Movies that plague my thoughts.  It's like an itch that costs money to scratch, but is slightly more legal than crack and smack.

So scour your local video store, flea market and (dare I say it) antiques mall.  I sure will.  One never knows where they might find a lost treasure, so my eyes will always be peeled.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Gut-Ripping Immortals!

Video Nasty #10

Don't Go Near The Park

1979

IT'S THE LAST PLACE YOU'LL EVER PLAY!

THEY WERE CURSED TO ETERNAL LIFE AT THE COST OF THEIR SOULS!

Alternate Titles: Nightstalker, Curse Of The Living Dead
NTSC Running Time: 83:23

Directed by Lawrence D. Foldes

Written by Linwood Chase and Foldes, from a story by Chase

Produced by George Foldes & Lawrence D. Foldes

Starring: Tamara Taylor, Meeno Peluce, Barbara Bain, Crackers Phinn, Linnea Quigley, Aldo Ray

Body Count: 5, plus an exploding van full of scumbags.

Availability: Region 1 DVD from Dark Sky Films.

BBFC Status

Why it's a Nasty: Attempted rape and gore!

What was cut: Nothing, it was never released in a cut form.

Current UK Status: Uncut version was awarded an 18 certificate on January 31, 2006.

UK Availability: Region 2 DVD available from Anchor Bay.  Original 1981 VHS released by Intervision.

Don't Go Near The Park was seized, but escaped prosecution.

Why didn't I think of including the trailer with the review sooner?  Derp.

Although it is semi-notable for being one of scream queen Linnea Quigley's earliest films (the opening credits say "Introducing"), Don't Go Near The Park is strictly amateur-hour, a film that, if it was never featured on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, damn well should have been.  The script is atrocious, the pacing jumpy, the editing flawed.  That doesn't mean there isn't fun to be had, however.

Here's the setup: 12,000 years ago, a prehistoric band of humans living in Griffith Park cursed two of their own, Tra and Gar (Barbara Bain and "Crackers Phinn", a nom de film for minor TV actor Robert Gribbin, respectively), to age rapidly and never die as punishment for eating the tribe's children for the purpose of stealing their youth.  (You with me so far?)  Their only way out: Wait 12,000 years (one full rotation of the Zodiac, according to the rotting matriarch) and then sacrifice a virgin who is half-mortal and half of their tribe.  If they can accomplish this, the cannibalistic pair will gain the eternal youth they have been seeking.

11,984 years later, Gar marries and has a child with Linnea Quigley, whose character is never named.  They name the child Bondi and Gar dotes on her, ignoring his wife, who served her purpose as soon as the child was born.  Bondi is a daddy's-girl who has no idea that all her father wants is to kill her when she turns 16.  He gives her an amulet for her Sweet 16, has a horrible fight with her mother at the party, and he leaves.  Bondi is abducted by some creeps in a van who try to rape her.  Her father hears her cries for help through the amulet, sends the van careening off a bridge to a fiery explosion...and teleports Bondi (Tamara Taylor) to the side of the road, from which she makes her way into the park of the title and hooks up with some other runaway kids: Nick (Meeno Peluce), an 8-year-old con artist and Cowboy, a teen boy Bondi crushes on.  Also in the park is Tra, who (like Gar) feeds on entrails of local children to retain her youth.

Will Gar and Tra sacrifice Bondi to their ancient deity and capture eternal youth, reversing the ravages of time once and for all?

Don't Go Near The Park is not a classic.  But like most movies, it has its' charms, and this film's charms are named Meeno Peluce.  Upon first discovering Bondi asleep in the abandoned ranch house the runaways call home, he tries to put his hand in her shirt.  When she wakes up and slaps at him, his response is genius:

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were alive."

Balls.  Big brass balls for an eight-year-old, and a screamingly funny moment in a film that is otherwise a few ripples of muffled chuckles.  I also dug the freeze-frame style the film takes when Bondi falls into a coffin in a dream sequence.

Other than that, a little bit of gore and a little bit of gratuitous nudity, all very tame.  No wonder they didn't sic the OPA on this film: it would have been laughed out of the Old Bailey as harmless.  When finally presented to the BBFC in early 2006, they didn't snip a frame.  Not that it would have changed much, there wasn't much to trim anyway.  As I tell myself whenever the least bit disappointed by a Nasty, "At least it wasn't Faces Of Death."

Given a choice between unanaesthetized rectal surgery and watching Faces again, I'd have to sleep on it.

Seriously.

Ten Nasties down!  I should celebrate.  With pie.  Dutch Apple, cold.  With a large glass of whole milk, colder.  And some Girl Scout cookies.  Thin Mints, frozen.  I should also figure out what comes next.  Maybe something with Nazis, vile.  Or perhaps a werewolf, hairy.

Wherever we go next, it'll definitely be unpleasant, nihilistic, lecherous, gratuitous, gory, morbid and malevolent.  It will be a place that is, as I'm sure you know, Nasty.  So keep away from that fucking park.  Steer clear, lest ye be disemboweled and feasted upon.  I'm taking that advice too, my friends, because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Don't Sign The Register!

Video Nasty #9

Death Trap

1976

HE'S OUT THERE AND HE'S GOT MURDER ON HIS MIND!

YOU CHECK IN ALIVE...BUT CHECK OUT DEAD!

Original American Release Title: Eaten Alive (In an October 2000 interview with The Onion A.V. Club, Tobe Hooper states that the original title was its' UK Video Nasty title, Death Trap.)

NTSC Running Time: 90:46

Directed by Tobe Hooper

Written by Alvin L. Fast and Mardi Rustam.  Kim Henkel (Hooper's The Texas Chain Saw Massacre co-writer) is credited with "screen adaptation".

Produced by Mardi Rustam

Starring: Neville Brand, Mel Ferrer, Carolyn Jones, Marilyn Burns, William Finley, Stuart Whitman, Kyle Richards, Roberta Collins, Robert Englund

Body Count: 5 and a small dog.

Availability: On Region 1 DVD in one and two-disc editions from Dark Sky Films, also available from Elite Entertainment.

BBFC Status

Why it's a Nasty: Gore, sex and children's exposure to violence..

What was cut: 25 seconds of an attempted anal rape, a woman being beaten while her child watches and a brutal scythe-through-the-neck murder were removed for the cinema when first released in 1978 with an X certificate, and again for the first post-Nasty video release in 1992 with an 18 certificate.

Current BBFC status: The uncut version was awarded an 18 certificate on November 30, 2000.

UK Availability: Region 2 DVD from Vipco and another from Video International as Eaten Alive.

Death Trap was seized, but escaped prosecution.

"Name's Buck.  I'm rarin' to fuck."

If you haven't seen this film and the above line, the first spoken in Death Trap, sounds familiar to you, it's because it was stolen by Quentin Tarantino for Kill Bill.  (I have a bit of distaste for Tarantino, his humongous ego, and his cinematic thievery.  At least he admits that he's a thief.)  In Death Trap, Buck (Robert Englund) is a good-old-boy who loves drinkin' and whorin'.  The prostitute he's assignated with, Clara (Roberta Collins), is new to the business and not cut out for it.  When Buck tells her that she's gonna give him the "back of a Volkswagen" treatment he paid for, her screams bring Miss Hattie (Carolyn "Morticia Addams" Jones) who gives Buck two girls for the price of one and throws Clara out on her ass.  The brothel's housemaid takes pity on Clara and gives her ten bucks, telling her to get herself a room for the night at the motel down the road, the Starlight Motel.

Oops.

The owner/operator of the Starlight is Judd (Neville Brand), who is completely off his fucking nut and has no way of hiding it.  Before Clara can even get her bag in a room, he's pegged her as one of Miss Hattie's girls, gropes her, throws her down the stairs, repeatedly hacks at her with a three-pronged garden hoe and feeds her to the large gator that lives in the bayou just outside the front door (Judd insists it's a crocodile imported from Africa, but his shell-shocked rantings paint a picture of a man who knows nothing of reality).

So begins the film.  There's no story here.  People show up, get terrorized, and some of them get eaten by a gator.  That's it.  If you want strong characterization, deep meaning, subtle scares, or coherency, you've come to the wrong place.  If you want a twisted, overblown exploitation film filled with great actors, check in and stay awhile - just don't feed the gator.

There may be more star-power in Death Trap than in any other Nasty: Carolyn Jones and Stuart Whitman were both Academy Award nominees, Brand and Mel Ferrer accomplished TV and film actors with long, and distinguished careers (Ferrer also starred in Umberto Lenzi's cannibal film Mangianti Vivi!, also known as Eaten Alive, giving him two films with the same title within five years).  Portraying a family of lodgers are a trio of horror/exploitation actors who all had important roles in seminal films: William Finley as the dad was The Phantom Of The Paradise for Brian DePalma two years earlier, right around the same time that mom Marilyn Burns was being terrorized by Leatherface Sawyer in Hooper's breakthrough The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  Their daughter was portrayed by Kyle Richards, who two years later appeared as Lindsey in John Carpenter's Halloween (and is currently on TV as herself as one of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills).  With such a superb cast, it's almost a shame that they weren't given more to work with.  Rumors of Hooper leaving the shoot abound, with both the Cinematographer Robert Caramico and Carolyn Jones supposed to have shot the remainder.  I've been able to uncover no ironclad evidence of this, and may, like the rumors of Hooper's troubles on the set of Poltergeist, be nothing more than smoke and bluster.

The lighting is garish and if any of the sets were actually outdoors, I would be surprised, as the entire affair looks like a stage production.  The mechanical gator is wisely kept in the shadows and is not as large a part of the proceedings as the promotional materials would lead you to believe.

The real antagonist, and the reason to watch the film, is Neville Brand.  He doesn't just chew the scenery, he sicks it up and chows down again.  His mumbling, vicious performance is a far cry from Norman Bates.  (In fact, where Bates was modeled after mild-mannered momma's boy Ed Gein, Judd takes his inspiration from hotel owner, serial killer and gator enthusiast Joe Ball, who is said to have murdered over 20 women in the 1930s and fed them to his alligators.)  Judd has no "mask of sanity".  He doesn't even seem to have a lens in the right side of his spectacles.  He rants and raves the entire time and doesn't hesitate to chase everyone around with a scythe.  Brand is great fun to watch as he freaks out on everyone and he does a great job.

The presence of Marilyn Burns (who spends a large chunk of the film bound and gagged on a bed, trying to break free) makes you wonder if she's a glutton for punishment working with Hooper again after the nightmare Texas Chain Saw shoot.  William Finley also turns in a loony performance as an unhappy husband who mugs and freaks out at his wife, with no motive ever given.  No motives are given for anyone's actions, save Mel Ferrer, who is there looking for his daughter, the unfortunate Clara.

The tone is bleak, the action either depressing or disturbing, and the hotel itself would send even the tiredest traveler back onto the road.  I'd seen Death Trap before and I must say that I was not happy with it the first time.  Screening it again, I liked it much more, mainly because I wasn't expecting something on par with Texas Chain Saw or Poltergeist and was able to appreciate Death Trap for what it is: a sleazy horror film with a few gory deaths, a few topless girls, a talented but under-utilized cast and a wonky, uneasy atmosphere.  (Hardcore Insert Alert: There are also rumors that a Japanese print of the film adds shots to Englund's scenes showing Buck's large, uncircumcised wang, which were unfortunately not present on my DVD.  Darn.)

I will be staying right the hell out of Southeast Texas, thank you.  Safer that way.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Hollywood Satire: Video Nasty Style!

Video Nasty #8

Revenge Of The Bogey Man

1983

HE'S BACK

MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL...WHO'S THE DEADEST OF THEM ALL?

Original American Title: Boogeyman 2

NTSC Running time: 79:57 (plus or minus a few seconds due to the VHS counter)

Directed by Bruce Starr (some sources cite Ulli Lommel as an uncredited director.)

Written by Suzanna Love, Ulli Lommel and Bruce Starr

Produced by Ulli Lommel

Starring: Suzanna Love, Ulli Lommel, Shannah Hall, Shoto von Douglas

Body Count: 15: 6 in footage from The Boogeyman, 9 in Boogeyman 2 proper.

Availability: Original version is VHS only and out of print.  My copy is a budget release from Gemstone Entertainment, the kind of thing you'd get for five bucks at a K-Mart (it doesn't even have an FBI warning!), and I have seen reference to a release from VCII (who also released Mardi Gras Massacre).  A "Redux" version entitled Ulli Lommel's Boogeyman 2 Director's Cut omits a lot of the new footage and is an entirely different film.  It is available on Region 1 DVD from Image Entertainment.

BBFC Status

Why it's a Nasty: Scenes from the first film were included, making it a Nasty by default.

What was cut: Nothing.  The original Video Nasty version (titled Revenge Of The Bogey Man) was never given a BBFC certificate.

Current BBFC status: The re-edited version, titled Bogeyman 2 - Redux was awarded an 18 certificate on September 22, 2003.

Availability: Redux version available on Region 2 DVD from Hollywood DVD Ltd.

Revenge Of The Bogey Man was seized, but escaped prosecution.

I think I liked this one better than the first.  Has anyone ever said that before?

Every review I've read of Boogeyman 2 categorizes it as a waste of time, advising viewers to watch the first and forget about it.  And I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why.

Yes, it's loaded with flashbacks to the first film.  Yes, it's low-budget...or cheap, depending on your point of view.  Yes, the setup is totally cheeseball and the action ridiculous.

But I think that was the point.

Suzanna Love returns to the role of Lacey, now terrorized and traumatized...and what better way to relax than take a vacation to sunny Hollywood!  Her friend Bonnie Lombard (Shannah Hall) and her husband, film director Mickey Lombard (Ulli Lommel), are happy to have her, and listen to her story (enter the flashbacks!) with growing awe and disbelief.  Bonnie thinks it's fantastic and wants to write a screenplay of Lacey's story.  Mickey, who is in the middle of begrudgingly adding some nudity to his art film at the behest of slimy producer Bernie (Bob Rosenfarb), is hesitant and the only character in the entire film who:
A) believes Lacey's story, and
B) doesn't want to exploit her.
(Lommel and Love were married in real life at the time, and their playing the only likable characters is one of the film's many in-jokes.)
Bonnie throws a party filled with sleazy Hollywood bottom-feeders, anxious to get Lacey's story made into a film.  But Lacey doesn't want a film made of her story...and now the last piece of the cursed mirror (that she carries with her everywhere for some unfathomable reason) has gone missing!  The Boogeyman is at large in Tinseltown!

The deaths come fast and furious, with the first half acting as a "highlight reel" from the first film (showing all but two of the deaths, notably skipping the deaths of Lacey's aunt and uncle that happened in the barn...even after the idiots at the party exhort Lacey, "Tell us about the barn!"), and the second half quickly dispatching nine Hollywood douchebags.  My favorite was the handlebar-mustachioed greaseball who is done away with by a disembodied electric toothbrush!

Boogeyman 2 is a satire of the film business, produced, written by and starring Ulli Lommel, who was inundated by requests for a sequel after the success of The Boogeyman...so he made a film where amalgams of everyone who wanted the sequel are killed by The Boogeyman!  The humor is bitter and scathing, and I thought it was great fun.  At just under 80 minutes, it drags only because of the flashbacks, which up the body count, but don't do much else if you've seen the original.  The deaths are filmed in extreme closeup and shrouded in darkness, which shows the limited budget...but it's got style...style that seems to be there just to thumb its' nose at those who would have given the film a bigger budget: "Don't need your money, and we don't need you!"

With its' high body count (the most of any Nasty so far), tongue-in-cheek humor and short running time, Boogeyman 2 is a fun ride, definitely better than many reviewers would lead you to believe.  Like most Nasties, you can check your brain at the door and have a gore-soaked laugh or two, especially if you've ever met phony Hollywoodites whose shallow fakery makes you want to vomit.  I can't stress enough: Don't expect high-quality filmmaking or effects, this is just for fun.  And fun it is (as long as you, like me, love trash cinema).

So if you break a mirror, make sure you pick up all the pieces.  And whatever you do, don't let them out of your sight.  You never know who might embed a piece of portable evil in their white-gloved hand.  An easy precaution to take.  I'll keep warning you about what not to do, because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.

Intermission: Identity Crisis

You may have noticed that I'm not who I say I am.  My name's not JustinCase.  It's not even Justin.  Let's make things a little squarer between us, shall we?

I've been looking at pages from other writers.  I feel alternately sick and sad.

There's the numerous "this is a diary of the life of my family" pages that seem to all be written by the same plain Christian woman who cares about nothing but what cute thing her kid did that week and has a short-haired, suit-wearing, empty-eyed tool of a husband present in some of the pictures (of which there are about a thousand).  This woman talks about teaching her kids to pray, the artwork the kids drew, and how she just LOVES her BFFs!

Shoot me in the fucking head, please, I don't want to know these people exist.

There's also the "look at me!" pages: Aspiring writers showing off their vocabularies and acting pretentious because they want everyone else to think they are as awesome as they know themselves to be.

Am I one of these people?  God, I hope not...but I might be.

All the characteristics are there: The dorky, "ain't I cool" pseudonym; The high-concept framing device; The desire to have my words read by others; The fear that I'm just not good enough to be taken notice of.

Maybe the difference (if there is one) lies in this: I am well aware that writing this blog will probably bring zero recognition (it being geared towards a very small percentage of the population that might care about the subject of the Video Nasties), and that what I write will not make me famous, change the world, or get me a job writing for some cool magazine or something.

And being aware of these things makes me a little sad.  Because the simple act of writing something and then sticking it on the internet where damn near anyone can see it reeks of attention-seeking, and the act of hiding my true identity behind a nom de plume is a paradoxical barrier: "Read what I have to say, but I won't tell you who I am."  That way if you like it, I can take all the credit.  And if you hate it, you don't hate me, you hate a fictional creation, a cutout of myself that will take all the blame and feel nothing.

I despise pretension, and I will keep it to a minimum.  I won't say there won't be any: in this situation, it's unavoidable.  But I want to be honest.  I want you to know where I stand.  I don't want to put myself on a pedestal, looking down on my readers, trying to show how cool I am.

I want to throw my arm around your shoulder, talk of film, and try to feel a little less alone in my love of all these weird movies.  I want to know that you're out there.  I want to feel that coolness about myself without shoving it in people's faces and making them feel bad.  I think you're cool for reading, and I hope you think the same of me for writing...but I won't assume you feel that way, and I won't feel it for you.

About the name: I end every entry the same way because that's something I say in real life.  When someone asks why I took some precaution, I will always respond with "Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase."  It makes me smile.  That's all.  Maybe I'll share my real name on here someday when I feel a little more secure about who I am.  For now, I like the security of being able to say all this stuff without having to think about the fact that it's me saying it.  Like just about everyone who's ever used a pseudonym, being JustinCase gives me a little bit more confidence than being the person I am everywhere else.  I told you I'd be honest.

So that's where we stand: I will do my best to bring you the meat of the matter, the hard facts about classic exploitation and horror, and to do so without pretense of thinking I'm amazing or better than you.  All you've gotta do is read if you want to.  Easy, huh?  Thanks.  I appreciate it.  Truly, and from the bottom of my being.  And I hope you don't mind if I keep using the name.  I like my signoff, and I'll continue saying goodbye the way I have this whole time: My name's Justin.  JustinCase.

They Thought It Was Over...It's Not!

Because once is not enough, here's a trailer for Revenge of the Bogey Man:



Flashback, flashback, flashback...to, like, two nights ago!  The concept of overusing footage from the first film for a cheapjack sequel is not unique (rumor has it that the makers of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 were originally told to just re-edit the first and call it a sequel), this case is interesting because Ulli Lommel didn't want to make a sequel.  After pressure from all sides (and an offer from major studio Paramount, which was turned down), Lommel decided to make an independent sequel and satire Hollywood in the process...at least, that was the idea.  Did he succeed?  Only one way to find out.

Boogeyman 2 is up next, in its' original Nasty, Bruce Starr-directed version on good old VHS.  Have you held on to your VCR?  Don't you know you could very well need it?  I do.  Because my name's Justin.  JustinCase.